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Sunday, November 29, 2009

A Tale of a Turkey

Once upon a time (okay, just a few days ago), Matt and I were staying with my aunt Lisa & uncle Jay down in Cedar City for the big Graf Thanksgiving. So fun! Matt spent Thanksgiving morning with Jay & Shaun on the golf course while I spent it with Lis in the kitchen. Cooking our first turkey. Ever. And let me tell you, it was mighty entertaining.

We are not gourmet chefs by any means, but we are intelligent human beings who can read directions. So how hard could it be? Well... let's just say I have a bone to pick with the Butterball label writers. In the meantime, however, enjoy the play-by-play.

Step one: Drain the turkey.
So far, so good. Kind of.

Step two: Remove plastic bags with neck and giblets from turkey.

Okay, A) What exactly is a giblet?
And B) Why on earth did they put it back inside the turkey?
Oh, and C) Um... why aren't the plastic bags coming out?!
Because after 3 days of defrosting in the fridge, they are still frozen to the inside of the turkey. Right.

Next, spot random chopstick on the counter.
Use it to try prying the plastic bags free. Fail.
Notice faucet sprayer. Turn on warm water. Give turkey a little drink.
Get excited about progress. Pull on plastic bag.
Attempt to contain laughter when it comes out empty.
Proceed to pull neck from turkey. Ignore mens' comments about labor.
Admire the goods. Or try not to puke. Whichever comes easier.
Part two of step two (yes, we're still on step two, people): Remove plastic bag #2.

Observe that plastic bag #2 will only come out through turkey's bum. Once again, ignore men in the room.
Remove bag from turkey's bum. Squeal.
Assemble special "turkey lifter." Wash turkey and cover with seasoning. Place in pan with broth. Cover with tin foil tee pee.
Place in oven. Try to maintain optimism.
Two homes, two showers, and five hours later, pull turkey from oven. Do happy dance. Eat. Be amazed at how good it tastes. Enjoy.


  1. Great job with the turkey, it looks delicious!! I am glad you guys had a good Thanksgiving and a fun-filled early morning of Black Friday shopping!!!

  2. Dear Ashley... totally gross:) P.S. I was at my aunt Lisa's in Ceder too for thanksgiving.. that's a funny coincidence.. i do believe.

  3. lol! You had me cracking up with that turkey story!! I'm glad you had a Happy Thanksgiving! : )

  4. Funny Story! I wish I would have tried some of that turkey after reading about all your "Labor" cooking the dang thing. Okay, maybe I'm glad I didn't try some. tee-hee

    It was fun to see you and Matt again.

  5. OH MY GOSH!!! I am wiping away the tears from laughing SO hard all over again! I LOVED preparing that turkey with you Ash! Oh, sad to say, that is how MOST of my dinner preparation goes on a weekly basis! I'm NOT a natural in the kitchen! SOOOOOO FUN!! Thanks so much for posting that! I loved re-living it all over again! Hey, we need you and Matt to come and stay with us again! Love you guys!

  6. I think this post should be labeled The Blonde leading the Blonde! You two are way too funny. This made for such a great read that I am glad I didn't have my phone when Lisa tried to call and consult me on Turkey directions. Oh my goodness! funny that my first question to you was, "did you remove the giblet bags from inside the bird?" This was the best.

  7. I so feel your pain babe! Grandma always made Thanksgiving look a whole lot easier.

  8. So funny! How about chickens from Costco? A new Thanksgiving tradition? At least it turned out well!

  9. This is histerical. I was laughing so hard! Thanks for sharing. Glad everything worked out well in the end.


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