Oh, and C) Um... why aren't the plastic bags coming out?!
Because after 3 days of defrosting in the fridge, they are still frozen to the inside of the turkey. Right.
Next, spot random chopstick on the counter.
Use it to try prying the plastic bags free. Fail.
Notice faucet sprayer. Turn on warm water. Give turkey a little drink.
Get excited about progress. Pull on plastic bag.
Attempt to contain laughter when it comes out empty.
Proceed to pull neck from turkey. Ignore mens' comments about labor.
Admire the goods. Or try not to puke. Whichever comes easier.
Part two of step two (yes, we're still on step two, people): Remove plastic bag #2.
Observe that plastic bag #2 will only come out through turkey's bum. Once again, ignore men in the room.
Remove bag from turkey's bum. Squeal.
Assemble special "turkey lifter." Wash turkey and cover with seasoning. Place in pan with broth. Cover with tin foil tee pee.
Place in oven. Try to maintain optimism.
Two homes, two showers, and five hours later, pull turkey from oven. Do happy dance. Eat. Be amazed at how good it tastes. Enjoy.